


Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs

by NoOneKnowsIWriteThis



Series: Loyal Son of Tain [8]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Episode: s03e18 Distant Voices, Feelings, Julian is an emotional mess, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 18:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis/pseuds/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis
Summary: Altovar's attack puts Julian in a coma and traps him within his own mind, forcing Julian to examine his feelings for a certain Obsidian Order spy.-“Ask me to leave the Order, to forsake Cardassia, and I’ll do it for you.” Garak crawled on the bed, pursuing Julian. “I love you, Julian Bashir.”Julian shook his head. “This is wrong,” he declared. “Either you’re lying or this isn’t real.”





	Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs

Julian had decided to have lunch in the replimat. It would get him out of the infirmary for a bit, and he could catch up on some medical journals while he ate. At the very least it helped take his mind off of the two things that were bothering him: his upcoming thirtieth birthday and Garak. His lunch break had actually been rather pleasant until Quark had shown up with a Lethean named Altovar who was trying to buy biomemetic gel. Julian had driven them off and given the matter no further thought until he’d returned to the infirmary and caught Altovar in the middle of ransacking it. Then Altovar attacked him and Julian lost consciousness.

 

\--

 

_ When Julian woke up, he was in his quarters, lying in his bed. He looked around, only for the bedroom door to slide open and Garak, of all people, to enter. _

 

_ “Garak?” Julian asked, confused. The last time he’d seen the Cardassian had been when he’d demanded that Garak leave after their fight. Julian sat up. _

 

_ Garak smiled and nodded, placing a mug of red leaf tea on the bedside table as he gently pushed Julian back, so he was only partially sitting up. _

 

_ “I was in the infirmary,” Julian said. “How did I get here?” _

 

_ “After it was determined you were in no immediate danger, I asked them to let you recuperate in your quarters,” Garak explained soothingly. _

 

_ Julian narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Why would they release me into your care?” _

 

_ Garak looked almost hurt by the question. “My dear Julian,” Garak murmured as he brushed back some of Julian’s hair. Julian suppressed both the urge to flinch away as well as the urge to lean into that touch. “Your Bajoran nurses will never trust me completely, but they trust me enough to look after your well-being. After all, we have been together for over a year now.” _

 

_ Julian frowned. They’d been having sex for over a year, yes, but theirs was hardly the sort of relationship that would inspire any sort of confidence or trust for Julian’s care. In fact, Julian had considered their relationship to be essentially over once Garak had refused to admit he was the head of the Obsidian Order. “My nurses know about us?” _

 

_ “We have...well, not the blessings of Starfleet and Central Command, but certainly their permission and approval,” Garak answered, picking up his mug and taking a few steps back from the bed and Julian. At least that was one less thing to worry about, if Garak was telling the truth, Julian’s job wasn’t in danger. _

 

_ “Since when?” _

 

_ “Since you were attacked.” Garak took a sip of his tea and kept his gaze focused on that mug. “I... didn't handle it well. So people discovered my true feelings for you.” _

 

_ Julian felt his heart soar despite himself. “You were worried about me?” He managed to suppress a smile, but he knew that his expression revealed more than he wanted it to. _

 

_ “Of course,” Garak was quick to reassure him, moving back towards the bed, towards Julian. “More so than I would like to admit.” Garak reached out and took Julian’s hand, tangling their fingers together in a distinctly Cardassian sign of affection. _

 

_ “And I suppose the head of the Obsidian Order is allowed to have a human lover, hmm?” Julian forced himself to snatch his hand away and petulantly crossed his arms. “Everyone's too afraid to argue with it?” _

 

_ “I...I wanted to talk to you about that,” Garak said softly, his expression seemingly sincere. His tongue darted out to lick his lips in an unusual sign of nervousness. “Julian...my dear...I will step down if you want me to.” Julian gazed into Garak’s eyes. It seemed for all the world like the Cardassian was telling the truth, and Julian desperately wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t. _

 

_ “Garak,” Julian started regretfully, but he was stopped by Garak’s hand coming up to cup his cheek. _

 

_ “Julian, I  _ **_love_ ** _ you,” Garak whispered. Julian’s eyes slipped closed as he let Garak pull him into a kiss. _

 

\--

 

When Julian awoke for real, he was in the infirmary, looking up at Sisko and Jadzia’s relieved faces. They explained what had happened: he’d been in a coma following Altovar’s attack and had very nearly died.

 

The next hour had been spent on tests to make sure that he was fine, but, finally, Julian had been allowed to leave with the next day off from work and orders to take it easy.

 

Despite having been unconscious for hours, Julian fell asleep quickly once he reached his bed.

 

\--

 

_ Julian pushed lightly against Garak’s shoulders, but Garak didn’t break the kiss, so Julian pushed more forcefully and wrenched his head away. _

 

_ “How can I believe anything you say?” he demanded, sliding across the bed away from Garak. “You’ve been lying to me from the very start!” _

 

_ “Because I’ve fallen in love with you, Julian,” Garak answered, kneeling on the bed. “You’ve changed me. Ask me to do anything for you and I’ll do it.” Julian backed even further away. “Ask me to leave the Order, to forsake Cardassia, and I’ll do it for you.” Garak crawled on the bed, pursuing Julian. “I love you, Julian Bashir.” _

 

_ Julian shook his head. “This is wrong,” he declared. “Either you’re lying or this isn’t real.” His hands reached the edge of the bed. “This is like that damned simulation all over.” _

 

_ “The simulation,” Garak echoed sadly, halting in his pursuit. “When you told me that you’d watched someone you cared about die in that simulation, I didn’t even consider that it could be me.” Julian didn’t reply, he just warily watched Garak. “I didn’t want to lose you to anyone else, then you told me it was my death that had affected you so badly.” Garak smiled warmly at him. “My dear, to know that you care for me so deeply...that makes me so happy.” _

 

_ “This isn’t real,” Julian protested, carefully shifting the rest of his body towards the edge of the bed. “ _ **_You’re_ ** _ not real. Garak wouldn’t act like this.” _

 

_ “Julian, please,” Garak started, but Julian silenced him with a raised finger and a puzzled expression. _

 

_ “Do you hear that?” he asked. _

 

_ Garak frowned. “Hear what?” _

 

_ “That sound. It’s like voices whispering.” _

 

_ “I don’t hear anything. But then Cardassian hearing is not quite as acute as Humans.” Garak gave him a concerned look. “Julian, you need to rest.” _

 

_ “What I need to do,” Julian said as he got off the bed and left the bedroom, making a beeline for the medical tricorder in his desk, “is figure out what’s going on.” He scanned himself. “Delta waves. When I scan myself for brain activity, all I get are low frequency delta waves.” _

 

_ Garak followed him. “Julian, go back to bed.” _

 

_ “If this is right...then I’m in a coma.” Julian turned and scanned Garak. There were no lifesigns at all. “And you’re...you don’t exist.” _

 

_ “So now I’m a figment of your imagination?” Garak asked, placing a hand on the tricorder and lowering it. “My dear, think about this rationally. You were just attacked. You need to rest.” _

 

_ “It does explain why you’re acting so strangely,” Julian persisted. “You’re not really Garak, you’re a fantasy or a projection.” Julian glanced down at his uniform. “Where’s my comm badge?” _

 

_ “Julian, please. You’re not making sense.” _

 

_ “Where is my comm badge, Garak?” Julian asked sharply. _

 

_ Garak looked hurt at Julian’s harsh tone. “The bedside table,” he answered softly. _

 

\--

 

Julian awoke earlier than his usual time. He groaned, but ultimately accepted his fate and got breakfast from the replicator before settling in to continue reading those medical journals he’d been reading the previous day. He wasn’t quite ready to deal with the implications of what his mind had conjured up while he was in a coma.

 

\--

 

_ Attempting to contact Ops or any specific people produced no response. It wasn’t until Julian tried to contact the infirmary that he heard anything, but even then it wasn’t the kind of response he was expecting. _ __   
  


_ Julian’s initial hail went ignored, but Sisko’s voice came through loud and clear. “There has to be something we can do.” _

 

_ “We've tried everything we can think of,” a nurse replied, “but we haven't been able to counteract the telepathic damage. His motor functions are minimal. His blood pressure's dangerously low.” _

 

_ “Give me the bottom line.” _

 

_ “The bottom line is that Julian's in some kind of telepathically induced coma,” that was Jadzia talking, “And unless we can get him out of it he'll be dead in less than three hours.” _

 

_ “I have to go,” Julian said firmly, pushing past Garak, who was once again trying to draw him back to the bed. _

 

_ “Go where?” Garak asked. “Julian, my love, you're not well.” _

 

_ “I'm a coma patient, I should be in the infirmary,” Julian half-joked as he hurried out the door and into the hallway beyond. Garak didn't follow him. _

 

_ Julian quickly found himself getting turned around in the strangely empty habitat ring. The hallways refused to lead him where he wanted to go. Eventually, he managed to find a turbolift that took him to the promenade. _

 

_ He walked onto the deserted promenade and began to make his way towards the infirmary, when suddenly something grabbed him and slammed his back against the wall. _

 

_ The attacker's hold loosened slightly as Julian's vision returned. Julian found himself staring into a very familiar pair of icy blue eyes. _

 

_ “Garak!” Julian gasped. The Cardassian wore a look that was a mixture of sinister and sultry as his hold shifted from an attack to something much more sensual. _

 

_ “Is this what you want, my dear?” Garak hissed softly in Julian's ear, his hand stroking lightly against Julian's chest. “The danger? The intrigue?” Julian didn't resist as Garak captured his lips in a rough kiss. “The risk that I could uncover all your secrets?” Garak slid his leg between Julian's and smirked as Julian bit back a moan. “You enjoy your fictional spies so much that you had no problems bedding a real one.” Suddenly, Garak pulled back, leaving only his hand resting lightly against Julian's chest to keep Julian in place. “At least until you realized that this wasn't a game. That finding me attractive went against your rigid Starfleet code, as if you didn't violate that yourself every single day.” Garak smirked. “A brilliant bit of hypocritical double-think on your part.” _

 

_ Julian frowned, missing the intimate physical contact. “Garak, I need to get out of here. I need to fix this,” he protested weakly. _

 

_ “Why?” Garak asked, smiling. His hand slid up Julian's body to cradle his cheek. “Why would you want to leave?” he purred as he moved closer. _

 

_ “I...I…” Julian stammered until Garak cut him off with a kiss. This time, Julian gave in. He kissed back. He wrapped his arms around Garak and pulled him closer. Julian lost himself in Garak until he had to pull back, panting heavily. Somehow their positions had become reversed so that it was Garak who was leaning against the wall and Julian who was pressed against him. _

 

_ “Here you can have whatever you want,” Garak whispered. “You can have me without the risk or the guilt. You don't need to constantly worry about hiding your true self. What out there could possibly compare to the possibilities in here?” _

 

_ Julian raised his hand to caress Garak’s cheek. He leaned in to kiss Garak, but retreated just before their lips touched. “No, I can't do this,” Julian murmured. He pulled away from Garak and ran down the promenade towards the infirmary. _

 

_ The first thing Julian noticed when he reached his destination was that all the monitors were showing the vital signs of a single patient, him, and the outlook wasn't good. He began to head towards his office when Garak stepped out of it, blocking his path. _

 

_ “My dear, dear Doctor Bashir,” Garak said menacingly. “Where exactly do you think you're going?” _

 

_ “Get out of my way, Garak,” Julian ordered calmly. _

 

_ “Why would I want to do that? If I let you through you'll try to save yourself,  _ **_wasting_ ** _ what little time you have left.” Garak let out a put upon sigh and leaned against the door frame as Julian started digging around the infirmary for other options. _

 

_ “That doesn't sound like the Garak I know.” _

 

_ “We've been over this,” Garak replied wearily. “I'm not really Garak. I'm a fantasy version your mind conjured up.” _

 

_ Across the room, Julian narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Why would my fantasy Garak be even less forthcoming than the real one?” _

 

_ “You like the intrigue,” Garak answered, lazily waving his hand. “The man of mystery.” _

 

_ “I don't think so,” Julian countered. “In fact, I don't think you're supposed to be Garak at all.” _

 

_ Garak's appearance blurred and shifted until it was no longer the Cardassian, but instead Altovar, the Lethean, who stood in the doorway. _

 

_ “Very good, Doctor,” Altovar congratulated. “Now it’s time to make things easy on yourself.” _

 

_ “What, give up? Run away? No.” _

 

_ “Why not? Isn’t that what you’ve always done? Remember, Doctor, I'm inside your head. I know all about you.” Altovar tried to convince Julian to give up by first bringing up his abandoned dreams of a tennis career and then the question he’d missed during his final exam at medical school. _

 

_ Julian pushed Altovar’s words aside as a plan began to form in his mind. The two things Altovar had brought up were old insecurities that he’d made his peace with long ago. _

 

_ “Then let’s talk about plain, simple Garak,” Altovar said, his words cutting through Julian like a knife. _

 

_ “What about him?” Julian’s voice was tight, his expression strictly controlled. _

 

_ Altovar laughed mockingly. “You love him. Despite everything, you’re still in love with him, and you wish you could go back to before you knew what he really did for a living. But instead of facing your feelings, you’d rather deny and hide, like you’ve been doing for that entire relationship. You should have suspected there was more to Garak than he’d revealed, and yet you willingly blinded yourself to the facts. Even when evidence of his nature was placed before you, you pushed it aside in favor of a more pleasant fantasy version of spycraft that you tried to convince yourself bore any resemblance to what he did.” Altovar shook his head. “Only when there was no way for you to deny what kind of man he is did you accept it. Even so, while you may have turned him away, you still haven’t processed your feelings for him because you’re too scared what they might say about you. You’re too afraid you’ll discover that you’re not the perfect Starfleet mask you wear, but instead the monster that your enhanced genes say you are.” _

 

_ Julian forced himself to take a shaky breath. “You’re wrong about me, about my career, about the final exam.” He turned away from Altovar. “Computer, activate quarantine field three J.” _

 

_ “What are you doing?!” Altovar demanded from where he was contained. _

 

_ “But you were right about one thing,” Julian admitted as he crossed the infirmary towards Altovar. “I  _ **_do_ ** _ still love Garak, and that’s something I need to actually address instead of ignoring and hoping that my feelings will suddenly go away.” _

 

_ “You can't do this.” _

 

_ “I can do anything I want. It is my mind. Begin sterilization.” _

 

_ \-- _

 

The door chime rang and Julian let out a sigh. He wasn’t really in the mood for visitors, but considering what he’d just been through it was likely just one of his friends stopping by to make sure he was alright. He set his PADD aside and forced himself off the couch as he called “Enter!”

 

The door slid open to reveal someone Julian hadn’t expected to see before he’d had a chance to actually properly analyze his feelings: Garak.

 

Some of his dread must have shown on his face because Garak halted after only taking a step into the room. They stood watching each other in silence for a moment that felt like an eternity before finally Garak looked away and spoke.

 

“I heard that you’d been attacked and it was uncertain whether or not you would survive,” he said softly. “I came as quickly as I could.”

 

Julian took this moment to truly observe Garak. Outside of their sexual encounters, he’d never seen the Cardassian looking anything less than polished, but here, while Garak couldn’t be truly described as disheveled, there were clear signs of weariness and neglect. His hair wasn’t perfectly smoothed back, and his tunic, which had a high collar rather than the usual wide Cardassian-style neckline that allowed easy access to neck ridges, it was slightly awry. Part of the collar was rolled slightly and one of the hooks that kept the garment closed was unhooked. These were subtle details, but Julian had spent enough time with Garak that they stood out.

 

“You were worried about me,” Julian said, barely managing to keep the awe out of his voice.

 

Cautiously, Garak looked at Julian. “I thought you were going to die.” There was open sorrow in Garak’s eyes. Julian forced himself to sever that eye contact, crossing his arms as if the posture would give him strength.

 

“Well, I wasn’t just going to conveniently lie down and give up,” Julian said indignantly. He had to remember that Garak had lied to him before and would likely keep lying to him.

 

“Nor would I want you to,” Garak protested quickly, hurt and confusion slipping into his tone. “The universe would be a worse place without you.” Julian scoffed causing Garak to quickly add, “Whether you allow me in your life or not.” He sounded almost wounded by Julian's harshness.

 

“You were willing to wipe out the Wormhole Aliens,” Julian accused. “Why should the death of one Starfleet officer bother you at all? Or is it just  _ me _ ?”

 

“Julian,” Garak said softly, nearly pleading with the young man to listen. “I swear I didn't know about that plot until you told me about it.”

 

“I find it hard to believe that the head of the Obsidian Order doesn't know about the missions of his agents,” Julian retorted coolly. He had to keep his distance. He had to remind himself who and what Garak was. He had to keep himself aloof.

 

Garak frowned, weighing something over in his mind. Finally, he came to a decision and looked Julian firmly in the eye. “What I'm about to tell you, you cannot tell another soul. Not even Commander Sisko. Before we go any further, I need your word that you will not tell anyone.”

 

Julian blinked, startled. This was not anything at all like what he'd expected Garak to say. “What?” he asked, taken completely off-guard.

 

“Your word, Julian. Or tell me to leave now and I'll never bother you again.”

 

Julian considered this. Garak appeared to be completely serious, and so was this offer, if Garak could be believed. Julian forced himself to deliberate, but he'd already made his decision as soon as the offer had been made.

 

“You have my word,” Julian pledged. “I won't tell anyone what you tell me.”

 

Garak nodded solemnly. “There's something going on behind my back, some kind of plot. Dejar tried to destroy the wormhole without my knowledge or approval, but I suspect that was just a part of something bigger.” Garak glanced around the room as if to make sure they were truly alone. He took a few steps closer and dropped his voice low. “The Order is forbidden from possessing any military equipment, but someone has been building a fleet of warships in the Orias system using the Order’s resources and Order operatives.” Julian forced himself to give Garak a skeptical look. “This is  _ not _ my doing,” Garak protested quickly.

 

Julian frowned, but it was one of thoughtfulness rather than disapproval. “Assuming you’re telling the truth, why wouldn’t the person who came up with this plan just bring it to you?” Julian shrugged. “I can’t imagine you’d oppose the Dominion being trapped in the Gamma Quadrant or being weakened with a preemptive strike.”

 

Garak shifted uncomfortably under Julian’s wary gaze. “Perhaps they thought I’d been compromised by the time I’ve been spending with the Federation.”

 

“Or,” Julian said tentatively, “they could be planning to take control of the Order themselves. Especially since, if they’re using Order resources they likely already have some influence.” Julian pointedly raised an eyebrow. “Again, this is all assuming that your account can be trusted.”

 

Garak ignored Julian’s understandable skepticism and instead replied to his theory. “I suppose that’s possible, but there’s no one who has both the desire to run the Order and the influence necessary to organize something like this.”

 

Julian shrugged. “Maybe it’s multiple people working together.”

 

“Perhaps,” Garak said with a nod. He paused, trying to decide whether or not to say something before finally he spoke again. “Julian, someone is working against me within the Order. There’s no one else I can talk to about this.” He hesitated again. “I’m going to Bajor for several days to discuss the terms of a treaty, the cover story for my visit. ...When I come back, could we discuss this plot further?”

 

Despite himself, Julian felt a fond smile tugging at his lips. “Like we used to discuss literature at lunch before?”

 

“Maybe dinner on my ship?” Garak offered. “The secrets of the Obsidian Order are best discussed in private.”

 

Julian suppressed his smile and nodded. “Dinner then. But in my quarters.”

 

“A bit paranoid, Doctor,” Garak replied with a smile of his own. “I accept.”

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Romeo and Juliet Act 1, Scene 1. Romeo is bemoaning how miserable his love for Rosaline has made him.


End file.
